You have now really improved the academic style of the example case study but it is still lacking one of the most important elements, objectivity.
Remember, in academia you should try to convince people of the strength of your argument by presenting them with facts, research and data; not by appealing to their emotion or using your own feelings or opinions as ‘evidence’.
One way of being more objective in your writing is to use sources or evidence for every claim you make, but you should always check your writing for statements like ‘I believe’ or ‘I think’ and carefully consider whether they are appropriate for your writing purpose.
Task: Read the tutor feedback again and try to make the writing more objective and less subjective.
Well done, you have really improved the academic style of this case study, it is now much more formal, precise, clear and objective.
Your Task: Go back to the FutureLearn discussion forum and post a phrase you have used in your writing that you think is too subjective.
How will you change the word or phrase to make it more objective?